the second day begins

so im doing really well with the dickhead situation. i decided to go the high road and just never talk to him again... but this also include the bitch side of me making it hard as fuck for him to get the rest of his stuff out of my house. oh well... ill have a grill this summer?! yay. ok. but... for some reason i am in a really funky mood. like... not all day. just at certain times. i went to dinner at my dear friends house last night. i love him, and he would do anything for me. hes one of the few guys im ok with smelling me after the gym. so, we have had previous history... when we were lik 18. but we are both single and have both gone through the same thing, so we connect on this level. the thing is... i just never see us being together. mainly because i piss him off way too much. and there are more reasons. but i would never sacrafice our friendship to try and have a romantic relationship. so i told him this. well as i was leaving, he gave me a hug and went in for the kiss. i naturally turned my head... and he said "oh, thats sad" and i replied with "you know the rules". apparently... he does not know the rules. which puts me in a situation where now im just kind of uncomfortable around him. i wish i could back track two months and do something differently... but i feel as though there is no coming out of this situation now. boo.

i miss being 18. i miss being in college and not giving a fuck about anything except going to shows and drinking. id give anything to relive 2003 just for a week. just to feel as weightless as i did. it seems like forever ago. ive been stuck in this state for 8 years. its soul sucking. i miss my home. a lot more now days then i did last year. everything is flying by me and it just feels like im in slow motion. im not getting any fucking younger and this really frusterates me. i am frusterated because everyone thinks they know what is best for me... and i can completely understand that, cause i push my opinions a little too much sometimes as well. but. im at a crossroads. im stuck in between dreams if you will. i am sooooo unsure of what i want or what i need. i am too layed back sometimes... i can see why i may be annoying sometimes. but i feel like everyone is pushing me to be more future driven. the fact is. i could die tonight. or tomorrow. or next week. i dont want to waste my time worrying about what i need to do two years from now. i want to worry about what i am doing today. is this really such a bad thing?!@

well. since i dont talk to many people during the day. i foresee myself blogging an unhealthy amount. ill be back in an hour or two. im trying to spend my work breaks not smoking... saturday is my quit day. its just a dirty habbit. and i enjoy breathing.