im having a really hard time shaking this dickhead thing. i think it may be a pride issue. actually. im pretty positive thats what it is. i don't think its cause i miss him, or having sex with him... that was mainly revenge. i think my ego is just bruised. this is very hard for me to admit. especially considering i hold myself to higher standards. but plain and simple... that is it.
its story time again. ok. so i have a friend. we have been friends for seven years. we have kind of a past... in the sense that we use to sleep together... there should be no surprise there. well.. he has become a very good friend of mine. and for some of you reading this, i know hes a douche, but hes still my good friend. the thing is... i dont want to hurt him. not one single bit, nor do i want to lead him on. i have pushed back a lot the last few weeks... so he comes over tonight, and asks me about my distance... blah blah blah. yea.. like this could really go in a good direction. psh. so. smart thing, he left before we went there. i tried explaining to him, that cuddleing and kissing is just as bad as boning. i mean... one of us bound to get more out of it. and most likely... it would be him... seeing as to how i am out to ruin mens lives right now. so yea. theres that story. im rather surprised i havent recieved a text or something... but surely this conversation isnt over. life isnt that easy.
new subject... but kind of old. so i feel like having a successful no strings attach relationship... aka... fuckbuddy would really help my situation. right now i feel undesirable blah blah. although... i know there are boys that would do me. i just dont want all the emotional bullshit. i just want to have a good time and get some selfesteem back. i think i am too much like a guy sometimes. this could be a downfall. or is it... i think like a guy. i act like a guy. i kinda look like a guy naked (thanks mom). yet.. i cant just be one of the guys. because now days... we have a lot of role reversal. men are the ones who get their feelings hurt, get emotionally attached. i mean, even dickhead would be a bit too fucking sensative sometimes. i think i need a mans man. a dude that is sensative when hes drunk, but a hard ass the rest of the time. i mean, who isnt sensative when they're drunk.
moving on. saturday, we are having our frist party. its gonna be awesome. sort of a housewarming for me and the new roomate. and we are trying to get use to this entertaining at home thing, especially cause a) were broke and b) exhusband wil be gone for a year. good bye social life. not that i really had one before anyway. haha. i can pretend and now i have an excuse for the lack of my social life.
im a bit more optomistic about life. k dub is moved in. im stoked to have someone here. boy switches daycares next week. much closer to work and right behind grandparents home. this relieves a ton of stress. i switched car insurances too. i will be paying half what i normally pay. so i shall be putting the rest towards something... like a house or somthing crazy like that.
anywho. im done for today. i apologize for the jumping back and forth... but this is truely straight from my head to the keyboard.
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