2 days late...

I blame the way I am on men. I mean that truly. I have spent too much time being pushed around and fucked over by men. Why is it that they always have the upper hand? Why do they always get to do what they want and women just fall for it… we just take it like the bitches we are. Well how about a big fuck that. I will never let a man have that part of me again. My son is the only man I can honestly say I would give my all too. Any other man can have a slither. But that’s all I will give.

This started out with lunch. That’s safe to say. I went to lunch with dickhead, because like I’ve said, I have an issue with keeping people in my life. So we go to lunch, it’s us and his little brother and his little brothers friend. They are 14. I slowly realized that men have this in them at a young age. Dickheads little brother’s friend tells me that I’m totally fuckable… well… that’s awesome… coming from a 14 year olds mouth. I then go on to explain to him, that’s sweet, but that means nothing. Especially as you get older, you will have lower expectations and anyone will be “fuckable”. But I mean, am I wrong? Really? The older the man, the more desperate; the younger the man, the more naïve. Regardless… so lunch continues on with creepy 14 year old watching me eat my Sammie. I’m sure he was picturing it being his member or something. Gross… anywho, I begin to talk to dickhead, about how life has been treating him blah blah blah. Catching up, but its like he just looks like a sad puppy dog. I mean. All he can do is apologize and talk about how he never meant to hurt me. That’s all fine, but im ok. Im actually really fine. So I explained to him, that my life is good. Im doing well. Im a lot less stressed and im good with where im going. I just don’t like that he, in his mind, holds the power to my untold misery. Its not there. Your not to blame for anything. So he then proceeds to tell me how mean I am and he has saved text messages of me telling him to fuck off. Well. Ok. Yea. I did mean that, at the time. And sometimes I still do… but its not because I hate him or hold him in such high stature for my feelings, its cause sometimes I really do want him to fuck off. Anywho. It was an awkward lunch. But I like to keep things complicated, and I hustled a lunch out of the deal… so im good.

Moving on… before this whole lunch thing, I had been trying to email a dear friend of mine, and he had been ignoring me. Fine with me… however, he replied finally. Now let me take you back to the last real conversation we had… where he told me he fucked some guy. Kinda made me sick to my stomach, im not sure why, I don’t know if its because of how bluntly it was put, or because I knew he was trying to hurt me. It didn’t work, it just made me more hateful and more bitter. God guys are fucking stupid. Anyway. Soooo… I sent him an email this morning asking him why he was ignoring me, he said he was not ignoring me, he was just respecting my wish to not know what is going on with him. Well, typical man, turning every fucking thing around, this is not what I said. What I said was that I didn’t want to know the information I would have to pry out of him. If I had to pry it out of him, its obviously nothing good nor nothing I want to know. So… he once again insisted on telling me about him and his new girl… which I was not his girl btw, and how he thought he had good sex before, but she fucking rocks his face off every night. I said good for you. Is that all you wanted to tell me? Apparently so. Good fucking job. Im happy you got your socks rocked off, hopefully it will keep your penis out of mens buttholes… or whatever he does.

Its like all these guys try to intentionally hurt me, they try and play these games, but what they don’t realize is I play the same games. I know the ropes. I’ve been playing them since I was a fat girl just trying to get attention. People love to feel wanted, and love to feel like they are the only ones. I am guilty of loving that feeling, but also just as guilty as turning that around on people. Here is the thing though, by a guy telling me that he is having a great time fucking someone else, the fact is, I was faking and lying when I said you were worth my time… and even a good lay. I can honestly say I can count on a hand how many times I haven’t had to fake it. This is why I would be such a good porn star. I am becoming emotionally numb when it comes to romance, and im really good at faking it. Well… back to work, but this was my thoughts today. Boo to you men. Ill get you all for everything your worth, especially before you have a chance to do it to me.

a little bit of research

so my trusty partner in crime sent me an email last night. he has been working dilligently to find out what we need to do to get this site up and running. either way, this should be very time consuming and interesting all at the sime time. He was looking at different fetishes that we could dabble in... mainly cause thats where the money is at. well there is a fetish involving balloons and pool toys? pretty much would require me to take pictures and video blowing up and popping balloons. well this is really becoming a big fetish... and the market is not super big. its called looner girls. you should look it up. definitely weird stuff. but it looks fun. and then of course there is foot and all that good stuff. but that is sooo overdone. so next step is crash course diet and getting in as good a shape as i can before i actually get up and running. i wish i didnt like carbs so much.

the morning after

first off.. let me start off by saying... the hangover is a great cure to quit smoking. just throwing that out there. but anyway... i like the mindset i have right now. you know... ive gathered from the vast amount of men that i have met in my life... that they are out to get what they can. so why, as a woman, is it not ok to be the same way. well.. im here to say... it is ok. and it shall be what i do until someone proves me wrong. its also very empowering. i hate men. a lot. clearly my close men friends are exempt from this statement, but for the rest of you... ill tell ya... you let vagina control way too much. i have a tool, i shall use it. im a hustla baby.

i mean. honestly guys. you let vaginas have the power to ruin everything in your life. relationships, friendships, everything. its like tapping into a water source... im gonna get what i can get. id rather be a coldhearted bitch then get treated like a bitch.

thats all i really have to say today. that... and i secretly want to be an amatuer porn star. i have issues.

this is my karma. i just know it is.

can i just say. today... im angry. rarrrr. ok. so. i hate girls. i think  they are back stabbing bitches. i really really hate them... except for my friends. the girls i love. but i fucking hate them. i dont like games being played on me. i hated highschool. therefore i hate girls. now that that is out of my system... let me move on to say. i am at the recieving end of karma right now. this is a fact.

i cant let go of dickhead. there is no other logical reason, except for the fact that i am truely getting paid back for all of the boys i fucked over. starting in middle school. brandon blevins, he loved me, i cheated on him with kevin hillenburg. high school. danny... i was shitty to him. wayyyy shitty to him... now i blame this on being young... and he is like a bff now, but i did fuck him over and fuck himup a bit. then there is shaun. we were engaged. i was horrid to him. we obviously didnt work out. and then all of the countless boys ive led on and broken. not on purposee... i just hate emotions, i dont like getting attached. nathan. dave. chad d. micah. josh m. these are just a few i  can think of. so there you have it. karma is but fucking me, and i do not like it.

25 yrs. and its hitting me at once. well.. unless you count my ex husband. that was kinda like karma. fuck you karma. i cant wait for you to get the rest of them though.

ive been a good girl. swear it.

im having a really hard time shaking this dickhead thing. i think it may be a pride issue. actually. im pretty positive thats what it is. i don't think its cause i miss him, or having sex with him... that was mainly revenge. i think my ego is just bruised. this is very hard for me to admit. especially considering i hold myself to higher standards. but plain and simple... that is it.

its story time again. ok. so i have a friend. we have been friends for seven years. we have kind of a past... in the sense that we use to sleep together... there should be no surprise there. well.. he has become a very good friend of mine. and for some of you reading this, i know hes a douche, but hes still my good friend. the thing is... i dont want to hurt him.  not one single  bit, nor do i want to lead him on. i have pushed back a lot the last few weeks... so he comes over tonight, and asks me about my distance... blah blah blah. yea.. like this  could really go in a good direction. psh. so. smart thing, he left before we went there. i tried explaining to him, that cuddleing and kissing is just as bad as boning. i mean... one of us bound to get more out of it. and most likely... it would be him... seeing as to how i am out to ruin mens lives right now. so yea. theres that story. im rather surprised i havent recieved a text or something... but surely this conversation isnt over. life isnt that easy.

new subject... but kind of old. so i feel like having a successful no strings attach relationship... aka... fuckbuddy would really help my situation. right now i feel undesirable blah blah. although... i know there are boys that would do me. i just dont want all the emotional bullshit. i just want to have a good time and get some selfesteem back. i think i am too much like a guy sometimes. this could be a downfall. or is it... i think like a guy. i act like a guy. i kinda look like a guy naked (thanks mom). yet.. i cant just be one of the guys. because now days... we have a lot of role reversal. men are the ones who get their feelings hurt, get emotionally attached. i mean, even dickhead would be a bit too fucking sensative sometimes. i think i need a mans man. a dude that is sensative when hes drunk, but a hard ass the rest of the time. i mean, who isnt sensative when they're drunk.

moving on. saturday, we are having our frist party. its gonna be awesome. sort of a housewarming for me and the new roomate. and we are trying to get use to  this entertaining at home thing, especially cause  a) were broke and b) exhusband wil be gone for a year. good bye social life. not that i really had one before anyway. haha. i can pretend and now i have an excuse for the lack of my social life.

im a bit more optomistic about life. k dub is moved in. im stoked to have someone here. boy switches daycares next week. much closer to work and right behind grandparents home. this relieves a ton of stress. i switched car insurances too. i will be paying half what i normally pay. so i shall be putting the rest towards something... like a house or somthing crazy like that.

anywho. im done for today. i apologize for the jumping back and forth... but this is truely straight from my head to the keyboard.

i have to blog this.

so dickheads fb is saved to my comp. just found this out. bahahah. this was a message that was sent between the two of them while we were doin it dirty. what a fucking douchebag!!!

"cunt January 4 at 8:48pm Report

I figured you get enough annoying mail in here I would send you some good stuff. So just know I LOVE U like crazy. I wouldnt mind waking up next to your handsome face every day for the rest of my life. The orgasms you give me while sucking my neck and pulling my hair are something fierce. You tell me everything I wanna hear and sincerely mean it. You are an awesome father, son, grandson, brother and boyfriend. You make all my days a lil bit brighter. You are pure awesomness at its finest. My kids and I are truely blessed that you came into our lives and I wouldnt change a thing. Cant wait to kiss you and hug you and make sweet sweet love to you. Sent via Facebook Mobile

dickhead January 5 at 7:45am

I'm madly in love with you lady :) I love who you are...... Inside and out....... You always know how to put a smile on my face even if I don't feel much like smilin...... You are one helluva hot momma, and I'm glad ur mine :) "

 

let me say this. love doesnt exist after a month of being together. i dont believe it. and dickhead doesnt give orgasms. he give five minutes of an honest effort and then falls asleep. and cunt. really. if you are better off with him in your life... im sorry for your previous situations. FUCK BAGS. so here i am. back at square one. should i or shouldnt i. the thought of him getting pistol whipped doesnt seem so bad anymore. i neeed to go to church.

sunday blues... if there is such a thing.

this weekend has proven to be the most unproductive one thus far... of the year anyway. i feel like this is going to be a trend. bleh. but never fail, i still have stuff to bitch about. surprised? you shouldnt be. first thing is going to be about my baby daddy. this has been bugging me for a while. ok. so about two weeks ago, i get a call from the cman. he tells me that when he gets back from being a war hero, he wants more custody of boy and he isnt going to pay child support. if i need some help every once in a while, he can help, just not every month. he is too broke and cant afford to pay me. well how about a big fuck you. thats fine. then you can pay his medical bills, buy his clothes and pay for his childcare. then its a fuckin deal. so this angered me and made me want the worste for him. because naturally being the pushover that i am... i put it aside. well... friday night, his night to keep boy, he cant because he cant make arrangements for boy to be watched saturday during the day. so let me ask you this... if he cant handle the days he already has... what  makes you think you can handle one more. so i get to spend all weekend with my lovely crazy child. im not complaining about this, being that boy is like the only man that i can say i wont want to murder. well.. most of the times anyway. but yea. i fucking cant stand him sometimes... hes gotton a lot btter.. but dont threatin my son against me because you have expensive taste. where the fuck is all of your money going? you make 2xs as much as i do andyou live at home. im not braggin, but i gross about 1400 a month. i pay for everything and i make it. there will be no pitty from this end.

second thing of the day. so. yesterday is a funny story. so two days ago, i was having a conversation with an old friend. thsi old friend may not be the best person,but i do admire his crazy motives and his ability to carry them out. so. we were discussing dickhead and cunt and his ex who is a co-owners of dickheads. so we talked for a while, and agreed we were better off without them and blah blah blah. well, i texted him yesterday and told him to behave and have a good day. i got a reply that says "to late. ive gone too far". so then i get on the reality website and see that my friend had busted out the from window/door at the tattoo shop that dickhead owns. sadly, this made me smile like i was a 13 year old boy seeing my first naked girl. you know its wrong, but it just feels sooo right. so i text dickhead and tell him how sorry i am, he then returns to  me, and tells me he stole all of my friends tattoo equipment. boys will play games i suppose. hahah. but i am secretly excited to see how my friend will react to this. once again my grin leaks from the inside to a very visible outside smirk. its the small things in life that i know will fuck up his whole day.

so this brings us to my  dream last night. i  dreamt i was at the tattoo shop hangingout with my friends ex... mainly cause she is trying to piss him off by finishing his work on my leg. she puts this all over so  i know  he can read it. but anyway... back to my dream. i was at the shop, and  after i was done, i had a show with a big audiance, i think i was lipsincing or something...which i have no real tallent, so it doesnt even make sense... but yea. so after everyone leaves, im cleaning up and its me and dickhead. we arent speaking  to one  another, but in comes cunt. she flips her shit. she starts accting crazy, and for the first time in a dream, i  was actually able to hit someone. this to me is a sign, that maybe i am fed up and ready to start taking up for myself. so dickhead kicks me out and i text message him a great big fuck you. well.. when i  woke up, i was checking my txts. apparently that last part was not a dream. which is good, cause i hope she saw it. i hope i stay in the back of her cunt infested brain forever. i hope she realizes that she will never be as good as me. ever. not a flying chance in hell. so that was my dream. nyquil and ambien keep me entertained, its like watching reality tv shows all night. i  fuckin love it.

back to boy complications. my friend d came over and hung out last night. we made chilli and watched some tube. there was a short period where he was trying to cuddle... and i shot him down. im not sure whats going on with me, but i will tell you. i am not leading anyone on. idont cuddle with my girlfriends... there fore iwill not do it with my male friends. aint gonna happen. feelings hurt #2. im on a roll.

this week at the gym, i am going to start stop being such a panzy and stop being so intimidated by the giant juicers and add on weight lifting to my cardio. this is going to be the only sanity in my life. the gym that is. i have a photoshoot possibly in 3 months. i need to be tip top shape. totally. no questions asked. and i know this sounds sooo gay... but i was thinking if they turn out well, i may find a photographer in okc and sell some prints for a little extra money.

i guess im done for now. boy is being crazy. oh good sunday.